Agent Zed (bring_a_sponge) wrote,
Agent Zed
bring_a_sponge

book'd

 
[After this.]

MiB Headquarters
Planet Earth
0900 hours

Fresh from a breakfast of Denebian flapjacks with bugbutter syrup, Zed heads back to his office and settles into his chair, mashing the button that deactivates the stasis field on his desk and picking up Bob Wonka's Guide to the Loompas now that he finally has time to read it.

"Chapter one: The Loompas--."

BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!

Zed mashes another button on his desk, the one for the intercom. "Yeah?"

"Chief, it's T, in the Landing Bay. We just caught the Annelids selling smokes up here again."

Zed slams his fist on the button, cutting off the feed, and lurches to his feet with a growl, "Goddamn worms, goddamn Neeble," and stomps out of his office, heading for the landing bay.


MiB Headquarters
Planet Earth
1100 hours

Back in his office, Zed settles into his chair. "Try this again," he mutters.

"Chapter one: The Loompas--."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!

"Nnnrah!" Another mash of the button. "WHAT?!"

"Chief, it's M. The Lurian ambassador is down here on Level C and, whoa, is she pissed off. She's screaming something about the Dentazi delegation hauling fifty gallons of bacon grease into her suite and dumping it in the jacuzzi. And you know how the Lurians are about saturated fats."

Zed smashes the com button again and hefts himself up and then out the door. "Got to do every goddamn thing myself around here."


MiB Headquarters
Planet Earth
1300 hours

"....And hold my calls. If it's not a galactic emergency, I don't give a shit."

"Sure thing, Chief."

Zed dims the windows of his office and settles back into his chair. He pauses for a deep breath.

Breathe innnn. Breathe ooouuut.

Ahhhhh.

This time for sure.

"Chapter one: "The Loompas--."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!

"GODDAMMIT!" He smashes the button. "WHAT?!"

"What the fuck's crawled up your ass and died?" B snarls through the com. "I need you down here in the lab."

"I'm busy! Whatever it is, take care of it! Show some goddamn initiative!"

"Fuck you and fuck your initiative! How the hell am I supposed to work in this dump with only three atomic matter condensers?"

"You know how much each one of those costs?" Zed roars.

"Yeah I know how much they cost. I filled out the goddamn requisition forms, didn't I?"

"And I authorized every one, you sonuvabitch, so what're screaming at ME about?"

"'Cause I don't need three, dammit, now I need five!'

"THEN FILL OUT ANOTHER FORM!"

"YOU GOT ANY IDEA HOW BUSY I AM?! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FILL OUT ANOTHER DAMN FORM!"

Zed stops just long enough to smash the intercom button five times before storming out the door to head down to the lab and strangle B with his bare hands.


MiB Headquarters
Planet Earth
1500 hours

Zed is still hyperventilating by the time he gets back to his office and slams the glass door behind him, managing to put a half-inch crack in the ("guaranteed, your Altarian megabucks back, no questions asked") unbreakable Glassteel.

He squeezes his eyes shut for a few minutes and then stalks over to his desk, sits down again and cracks open the book.

Chapter one: "The Loompas--."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!

The com gets something between a roar and a shriek, all of it pure, undiluted rage.

"So you remember that time," K starts, "When the Arquillians threatened to leave the Earth a blasted cinder if they caught us trying to run Dentazi Bloatbusters to the Xirkat resistance again?"

Zed lets out a long sigh as his head thumps on his desk.

"Yeah, I remember that."

"Well, guess what."

He heaves another sigh. "I'll be right down," and gets up to join K down in the Main Hall. The office door closes softly behind him, but the crack shatters anyway, sending half the Glassteel door straight at the floor where it smashes into a million shiny little pieces.


MiB Headquarters
Planet Earth
1700 hours

There's a metal blast panel hammered into place where Zed's office door used to be. And a heavy table has been propped up on one end and shoved against it, barricading the way in. The office windows have all been dimmed to black. The intercom system has been ripped out of the desk and lies in a crackling, smoking pile of wires and circuit boards in the hallway. Inside, a single spotlight shines down through the darkness from behind Zed's head onto the first page of the book.

"Chapter one: "The Loompas--."

"Finally," Zed growls.

And the first line reads: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy....

"What the fuck?!" Zed roars.

Which also happens to be the second line: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy....

For page after page after page.


The preliminary reports that claimed Zed managed to hurl the book right through the metal blast panel were, of course, incorrect. That would've been impossible.

No, he took the time to unleash five plasma bursts from his personal Korlian XT-17 first, leaving the door a molten pile of white-hot slag and triggering every Omega-class alarm in the entire building.

Then he threw the book.


[Next.]
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